Overparenting in Real Life, Underparenting Online: The Great Modern Parenting Paradox
Let’s play a little game.
Your child walks into the kitchen and grabs a chef’s knife.
You: “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Put that down! Are you trying to chop vegetables or your sibling?!”
Now imagine your child is in bed with a phone under the covers, doomscrolling TikTok at 1am while messaging a stranger who claims they’re also 13 (but whose profile pic says otherwise).
You: [crickets]
Welcome to the modern parenting paradox.
We are hypervigilant in the real world — slathering on SPF 50, cutting grapes into microscopic cubes, and helicoptering over every playground interaction — while often sleepwalking through their digital lives.
We don’t do this because we’re bad parents.
We do it because nobody prepared us for this. We’re the first generation of parents figuring this out as we go — no manual, no roadmap, and certainly no nostalgic reference point. When we were kids, our biggest concern online was waiting 7 minutes for a page to load on dial-up.
But now?
Now our kids live in two worlds: the one we can see, and the one behind the screen. And let’s be honest — that second one is harder to navigate, harder to monitor, and a hell of a lot scarier.
We’re Parenting Like It’s 1994
Dr. Delaney Ruston, physician and creator of the acclaimed documentary Screenagers, says something that hits hard:
“We parent our children in the digital world like we used to parent them in the real world — we wait until something bad happens before we act.”
We’ve got the real-world stuff nailed. We hover, we micromanage, we intervene. We sign them up for Mandarin by age 4 and track their location on apps that would make MI5 jealous. But when it comes to what they’re doing online?
We freeze.
We assume the school’s covering it.
We trust the app’s age ratings.
We tell ourselves they’re just chatting with friends or watching funny videos.
And sometimes, that’s true.
But other times, they're learning about sex from YouTube comments, comparing themselves to airbrushed influencers, or receiving Snapchats they wouldn’t dare show us.
The Stats Are In: We’re Not Watching Closely Enough
Let’s talk numbers (but don’t worry, we’ll keep it short and non-boring):
📱 According to Common Sense Media, kids aged 8–12 now average 5 hours and 33 minutes of screen time a day — and that’s excluding school.
👀 A study by Bark, an online safety monitoring app, found that 68% of tweens and 90% of teens encountered nudity or content of a sexual nature online in 2023.
🙈 Only 36% of parents use any kind of parental controls or monitoring tools — not because they don’t care, but because they’re overwhelmed, confused, or unsure what actually works.
And perhaps the most revealing stat of all?
🧠 A 2023 report from Pew Research found that 67% of parents said they worry more about their child’s online safety than their real-world safety.
So we know something’s off.
But we’re not sure how to fix it.
From Helicopters to Hot Air Balloons
In the offline world, we’re helicopters. Constantly hovering.
In the online world? We're more like… hot air balloons. Floating far above, hoping our kids figure it out.
Why? Because talking about screens and apps and online friends can feel awkward. We don’t always understand the platforms they use. (What even is BeReal? Why is Snap a thing? And is Discord for gaming or… cults?!)
So we give them “the talk” — the one about not sharing nudes, about being kind online — and pat ourselves on the back.
But this isn’t a one-time chat.
This is a whole new layer of parenting that needs our curiosity, not our lectures.
Our presence, not just our rules.
As Dr. Lisa Damour (clinical psychologist and author of The Emotional Lives of Teenagers) puts it:
“The internet is not a different world. It’s part of their world. So we don’t need different parenting — we need consistent parenting that extends into the digital spaces they occupy.”
So, What Can We Do?
Here’s the good news: you don’t have to be a tech expert to be a digital parent.
You don’t need to understand every new app that emerges.
And you definitely don’t need to ban everything and move to the woods. (Though it’s tempting.)
Here’s what you can do:
👂 Get curious. Ask questions like “What’s your favourite thing to do online?” or “What’s something online you wish I understood better?” (Then just listen.)
📵 Create phone-free spaces. Dinner tables, car rides, and bedtimes are great starting points. Use conversation cards (like ours — shameless plug) to bring back the chat.
🧩 Involve them in the rules. Let them help create the digital boundaries. It helps them feel ownership and understand the ‘why’ behind it.
🎢 Talk about the emotional rollercoaster. Not just screen time — but screen impact. What makes them feel good online? What makes them feel worse?
🤝 Remind them you’re on their side. The online world can be overwhelming, even for them. They don’t need a dictator; they need a guide.
We’re All In This Together (And We’re All a Bit Clueless)
At Unplugged Tribe, we say it all the time: this isn’t about perfection.
It’s about awareness, intention, and connection.
You’re not a bad parent for not knowing what your kid’s doing on Roblox.
You’re just a modern parent — overwhelmed, juggling real life, and trying your best to keep up with a world that changes faster than your teen’s mood.
Let’s stop beating ourselves up.
Let’s stop pretending we have it all figured out.
Let’s start showing up — online and offline — with curiosity, openness, and a willingness to talk.
Because in the end, our kids don’t need us to be digital experts.
They just need us to be there.
With love (and a side of screen limits),
Carrie
Real Life Vibes. No Judgement. Just Connection.