Why Parents of Teens Feel Like They’re Failing (And Usually Aren’t)
The quiet doubt many parents carry
Parenting a teen can feel strangely destabilising.
You can do everything “right” and still feel unsure.
You can be present, caring, involved, and still lie awake wondering if you’re getting it wrong.
This doubt rarely shows up in conversation. Most parents carry it quietly, questioning themselves in moments others never see.
Am I doing enough?
Am I doing too much?
Did I handle that badly?
Have I missed something important?
These questions don’t mean you’re failing. They mean you care.
Why parenting teens feels harder than expected
Many parents are caught off guard by how different parenting feels once children reach their teen years.
When children are younger, the role is clearer. You guide, protect, teach, and decide. The feedback loop is more immediate.
Parenting teens is less visible.
Less responsive.
Less reassuring.
You don’t always see the impact of what you do.
You don’t always hear appreciation.
You don’t always know if what you said landed.
That lack of feedback can quietly erode confidence.
The moving goalposts of “good parenting”
One of the reasons parents doubt themselves so deeply is that the definition of “good parenting” keeps shifting.
You’re expected to:
encourage independence but stay involved
set boundaries without being controlling
understand the digital world without having grown up in it
protect mental health without being overbearing
prepare teens for adulthood without rushing them
These expectations often conflict.
When there’s no clear benchmark, it’s easy to assume you’re falling short.
The digital layer adds complexity
Parenting teens today comes with challenges previous generations didn’t face.
Parents are navigating:
social media exposure
online comparison
constant connectivity
digital social lives they’re not fully part of
This can create a sense of being out of depth, even for confident parents.
Not knowing everything doesn’t mean you’re failing.
It means the environment is genuinely complex.
Why effort feels invisible at this stage
A lot of what parents do during the teen years is preventative and relational.
It looks like:
holding your tongue
staying calm when it would be easier not to
choosing connection over control
keeping routines steady
showing up again after difficult moments
None of this is immediately rewarded.
But it all counts.
The absence of visible results doesn’t mean the effort isn’t landing. It means the work is happening beneath the surface.
The comparison trap for parents
Just as teens compare themselves to peers, parents do too.
Other families appear calmer.
Other teens seem easier.
Other parents look more confident.
But much like social media highlights, what we see rarely reflects the full picture.
Most parents are doing far better than they believe — they just don’t talk about the doubt.
What “doing well” actually looks like
Doing well as a parent of a teen doesn’t mean:
getting every response right
avoiding conflict
or always knowing what to say
It often looks like:
staying open when communication is difficult
repairing after mistakes
listening more than lecturing
adapting as your child changes
These things don’t show up on report cards or behaviour charts. But they shape relationships long after the teen years end.
Why this stage asks parents to grow too
One of the hardest parts of parenting teens is that it often requires parents to change as well.
To let go of control.
To tolerate uncertainty.
To trust more than feels comfortable.
That growth can feel unsettling. And when growth feels uncomfortable, it’s easy to mislabel it as failure.
It isn’t.
It’s transition.
A more realistic measure of success
Instead of asking:
“Am I doing this perfectly?”
A more useful question might be:
“Am I staying connected, even when it’s hard?”
Connection doesn’t require perfection.
It requires presence.
A reminder worth holding onto
If you’re parenting a teen and it feels harder than you expected, you’re not alone.
And if you’re questioning yourself more now than you did when they were younger, that doesn’t mean you’re doing worse.
It often means you’re doing something more complex.
You’re doing better than it feels.
